How to know if you need to set boundaries or not and how to do it
In my experience, a lot of people know that setting boundaries is important, but feel like in their situation it's different, more difficult, maybe even impossible. If this is your case, I want you to know that it is normal to feel that way and that setting boundaries rarely feels easy to the person setting the boundary. Most of us set boundaries in some areas but feel that it is to difficult, inappropriate or not that important in other areas. One person might feel comfortable setting boundaries at work but struggle with doing so at home. For another it might be the other way around.
How do I know if I need to set boundaries or not?
Do you feel drained after or even before helping your friend out? Or frustrated because you had to work overtime again? Do you feel like you rarely manage to get things off your chest in discussions? Do you often get interrupted? Are there any situations where you just feel bad without knowing exactly what bothered you? Is there something that people ask of you but you don't feel comfortable doing? Do you feel like people are walking all over you?
Those examples might be a sign that you need to set some more boundaries! However, it is up to you to decide. There are no rules when it comes to setting boundaries. If something bothers you, you are allowed to do it, no matter in which area of your life. Setting boundaries does not guarantee that other people will respect that boundary, but it shows that you respect yourself and gives others some guidance as to what is ok with you and what isn't, as this can vary from one person to another. Setting a boundary is basically an act of self-love and self-care.
How do I set boundaries?
The better question to ask yourself first might be "Where do I want to set boundaries?". Think about situations in the past days or week where people disregarded your well-being or your feelings. Can you think of any situations like that? Or situations that made you unhappy, frustrated? Do you see any where boundaries could have made a difference? Or any where the other person might not have been aware of a line that was being crossed?
Make a list of possible boundaries. Now pick one. You could start with the easiest or with the one that feels most important to you for example. It helps if you pick a situation that occurs regularly so you can practice. And then decide how you would like do proceed. You could state your boundary in a conversation before a situation even occurs, in the situation, or after. You do not have to justify yourself and have a right to just say no to anything, but it does sometimes help to simply explain why something bothered you if you feel comfortable sharing that. You might not succeed the first time, or even the second or third or more. Or you might succeed partially. You might feel very anxious about doing it and be unsure if it is really that important. In those moments you could remind yourself why you thought about doing it in the first place and why it seemed important to you to do it. You don't have to succeed from the start but by trying, you give yourself the chance to evolve and other people the chance to do better.
Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn’t make me mean, selfish, or uncaring (just) because I don’t do things your way. I care about me, too. ― Christine Morgan
Let me know in the comments if this is something you struggle with or had to do recently !
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